Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

Life is dangerous. Everything you do has choices. Every choice has a light and a dark side. Love kills and hate saves lives depending on the situation. I love the way that she can make me insane. It makes me feel alive. I want a challenge, but how much is too chalanging. I have certain needs. I feel like a clown of a movie character. Sorry honey, I've come to realize that I have needs. (Thus emphasizing that you can't fulfill them.) Can we just be friends? (Like we aren't friends anyway) Normally I don't post here with such honesty. I fulfill some journalistic restraint. So lets call this a stylistic experiment. I have a sick energy in my body that I'm releasing here. My fraternity was missing some integrity so I'm going to quit. I like many of the guys but I'm sorry I don't belong with them. I am too different for them. I wish I was more middle of the road but I'm not. Do writer's have a duty to accurately represent themselves. What if this whole time I just made shit up and pretended that this is who I am? Would you know? Would you care? Would you nominate me for being an amazing farce? I'm tired of being a farce to myself. I killed myself today. I also wrote about myself writing myself into a play. Do you see the connection in the past two sentences because this is not a message from the grave. This is a message from a man who's mind is grave or at least filled with grave thoughts. My thoughts are skipping about. How can she disdain me for being honest? How can I disdain her for being honest in return? Well just as easily as she disdained me first. I can feel the burn rising. I don't know what I want to do. I want to love her forever, but in the moment I want to be done with this. If I did, it would be a long time coming like the slow fall of the roman empire. Its been a long time since the Pax Em&Toma. If she leaves me I can find someone else? If I left her would I want someone else. I could do definately find someone else. I could find someone close by who would be here for me from day to day. She could find someone better than me. It would be as easy as breaking my heart. I kind of want to do it. I want to call her and say "Hey, we should be friends. We could do better for each other without the needs, without the sex, without the slow moments of love. Do you want to go bowling? Quit crying. Let's just pretend this is easy until it is." How honest should I be here with the openess of infinity am I forced to keep some pretense of restraint. Should I tell you the dark depths of my soul? Should I tell you what I dream of? Should I tell you all our problems? All my problems? My heart is in pain just thinking these dark thoughts. I don't let to like my mind escape the cage I've set for it. I can think of everything. You see the cage of my mind is backwards. Its a cage circling my heart. I can be creative unto infinity as long as I'm escaping myself. I'm always escaping myself. I get away from me and my problems. Stacey was telling me today that when children are abused a chemical is realised that eats away at their ability to control their fear and their anger. My brother can't control his anger. Oh, god, I would give my life to let him be normal. I can't escape my fears. My brother and I are polar opposites. I am always stressed. I'm scared of what people think of me, of what I think of me. I'm scared of the past. I'm scared of my father and my mother. I'm scared to become like them. I'm scared of me. I'm so annoying, undisciplined, incorrect. I can't make friends because I can't let people in. I mean I'm very social. I love people, but I have dificulty letting people in like Jerry Maguire. I'm scared for other people I have to help people. I have a need to help people because I'm scared for them. My heart hurts. I'm always scared that I'm dying. I have stressed my hair away. I'm going to be bald because of genes but my hairline is receding due to my mind. I can't take it. There's another girl who really cares for me, but I don't know what to do about that. Sure, I could learn to love her, but it would be so short term. An open relationship for a semester? But will I ever love someone as much as I love my Emily. Talk about decisions. Its almost the same as my TKE vs. Theta Chi decision. Would I be with someone that I could love or with someone who could love me now? But what if the someone I could love was cooler and the popular decision. The other decision is something I'm so used to. I want spice in life, but spice is dangerous. I'm jello and no-one likes spicy jello. I feel so wabbly. What should I do? What would jesus do? He'd marry a whore and die for everyones sins. I don't think I'm dying for anyones sins and I don't know any whores, but I watched pretty woman with someone cool last night. What is going on? I feel like running. How do I spell out my love? How do I know my love? What is better for me? How do I weigh the dangers of uncertainty? How do I know what is cool is what is going to be cool for me for awhile? I'm a specialist at worrying. I walk a dangerous line here. Somone who I don't want to hurt could read this and become hurt. If I'm so evil why do I have such a big conscience? They think I'm the devil. The devil is the son of tragedy. I wrote a third act of my play, but I don't know if I like it now. I was proving something to myself. Who needs a mirror when you can write? When I look at myself I don't like what I see. I want to be colder and more discipline but I want to be hotter and have an easy heart. I don't want to be as smart so things will be easier for me. God forgive me for what I can do. The trick is not about what you do but what you can do. Much like I think Eli Roth, who wrote Hostel, should go to jail for being able to think like that. Interpol is singing to me about making me sick. You put me in the big house. I don't think anyone is going to like this style. I think that I suck. I am burning right now. I am going to have to choose to be happy, but I'm choosing to postpone that until I have made other choices final. I feel like I'm choosing colleges again but I'm choosing futures. Who do I want to be with? Do I want to be with you? Is there love for you deep in my dark heart? What do you think? Do we have the ground work? I don't think you should love me. My love is dangerous and my thought is contagious. My thoughts can burn you. I am such an asshole. This shit is crazy. I am happy to be alive, but I'm losing the everything. My heart hurts. I shouldn't be alone in here. You shouldn't be lonely. Be happy because I'm with you if you need me. Honest to god, if you read this and you need help, I will do beyond what I can to help you if you ask. I want to be a hero. I am a Byronic Hero and I don't want to be. I just want to be the hero without anything infront of me. Its hard. Do you find it difficult to be you? Do you want to get away from yourself? Come with me on vacation to nowhere. Nowhere is where my mind wanders wondering on the beach when it is full of drought. Amazingly enough the Migs aren't blowing me away now making me erase this totally as to save myself from myself. I'm a fool. I'm going to click publish before I destroy the words that so flowed out of my mind. I apologize for the inconvenience of acting like everyone else who just rants about life an a wasteful way. What have I succeded in doing here? Nothing. Ok I should weigh my options, but that could hurt millions of pieces of souls. So nothing will be accomplished again because I've found my constraint. I'm stalling now. Trying to work up the nerve to publish this.